Communication with Children

Dear Parents,

I hope this assignment helps you gain greater insight into your behaviour of how often you're being critical with your youngster. Or were you able to complete the assignment? Do you have any doubts about your actions on whether what you did or said was criticism?

Here is the example of the mother of twelve and fourteen year old boys, about something that happened recently at home.

"My son asked if he could go to a friend's house. It was almost dark, and he did not have his homework done, so I told him no. That really set him off. He started yelling at me and said, `I hate you! You never let me do anything."

"I got mad myself," continued the mother. "I told him he was acting immature and asked him, how he could expect me to let him do anything responsible when he is acting like a little irresponsible child."

"He went stomping off to his room and slammed the door. I could hear things being thrown around the room." 

A little while later, he came out of his room. He was calmer and asked in a nice way if he could "please" go to his friend's house. The mother almost gave in but still said no.

"What I want to know is, was that criticism when I told him he was acting immature? Wasn't he being immature and acting like a little kid? Didn't I have a right to tell him that?"

Does that Sounds familiar? Is telling the truth criticism and shouldn't we give our children important feedback about their behaviour?

Let's see what criticism means in Webster's- "art of judging merit." Also means "censure (or condemn) and unfavorable comments either verbally or in writing." Telling a child, he is immature is certainly censure and is an unfavorable comment. Does he merit it at the time? Maybe. Does it help him gain control over his behaviour and to feel better about himself? No, it doesn't. 

In this situation, it actually resulted in her son stomping off to his room and slamming the door. Telling a child or adolescent that he/she is immature, irresponsible or acting like a younger child is definitely a critical remark. 

But the underlying question is: Can we enhance a child or adolescent's feelings about him/herself and help him/her to gain new knowledge, self-esteem or self-control through such criticism? One of the things that happen with kids when we focus on the unfavorable, (like "You're being immature") is that we may reinforce a behaviour we really don't like. Instead we should focus on what we want (maturity, self-control) by making sure we support that kind of behaviour.

Let's go back to the mother.  She can establish at the very beginning by saying no in a different way. She might said, "I'm going to say no today, but if you ask me tomorrow early enough in the evening and after your homework is done, I'll say yes."

Or by asking him not to get angry and adding: "I expect you to handle my decision in a mature way."

Another way of handling this would have been to withhold comment on his "immature" behaviour and wait until he is acting maturely, and at that time give him positive feedback. In the scenario, if the mother had waited a while longer, until after he had blown off some steam, then she could have commented on how quickly he got over his anger. "I noticed that you got yourself back in control in record time after I told you no. I'm really proud of you."

While we do not always get the behaviour we want, we should do something to reinforce it when it does occur.  One thing we can do is use the strategy of Giving Praise and Attention, for the behaviour we want to encourage to substitute for criticizing behaviour we don't want.

It sounds simple, but I do know it isn't always easy to put into practice. So, hope this will help you:- Changing Critical Communication into Non-critical Comments

Critical Statement:  "You're so stupid? Can't you do anything right?"

Non-critical Statement:  "You seem to be having a tough time remembering the material you study for tests."

Critical Statement:  "Pay attention! No wonder you don't know anything – you never listen."

Non-critical Statement:  "It's hard for you to pay attention right now. Let's say we take a break and try again."

Critical Statement:  "Shut up! You're not making any sense – as usual."

Non-critical Statement:  "Can we go over this again? I don't think I follow what you're saying."

Critical Statement:  "I don't know why you're so lazy. You're just not putting any effort. How do you expect to make anything of yourself if you don't try?"

Non-critical Statement:  "Based on my conversation with you and your teacher, motivation seems to be a big problem for you. What do you think?"