Laughs

Watch the Ball

Mark is 90 years old, he's played golf every day since his retirement 35 years ago, one day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf, my eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea, as they sit down she says, "Why don't you take your old mate Kevin, and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Mark, "Kevin's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says Mark's wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Mark heads off to the golf course with Kevin, he tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway, he turns to Kevin and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied Kevin. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Mark.

"I don't remember."

Red Hair

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said.

"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have intercourse?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed.

"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

The Hammer

A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*****d!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned b*****d!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded,

"For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"