Humour

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people are full of doubts.

~ Bertrand Russell.

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I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. (Michael McShane)

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This tale is said to be told by John Kenneth Galbraith on himself. As a boy he lived on a farm in Canada. On the adjoining farm, lived a girl he was fond of. One day as they sat together on the top rail of the cattle pen they watched a bull servicing a cow. Galbraith turned to the girl, with what he hoped was a suggestive look, saying, "That looks like it would be fun." She replied, "Well.... She’s your cow."

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Every guy thinks every girl's dream is to find the perfect guy.

Pshaw. Every girl's dream is to eat without getting fat!

A woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same.

I know that when one door closes, another always opens...but man, these hallways are a bitch!

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Ahem!

One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?"

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Quote from George Orwell

One of the most horrible features of war is that all the war-propaganda, all the screaming and lies and hatred, comes invariably from people who are not fighting…It is the same in all wars; the soldiers do the fighting, the journalists do the shouting, and no true patriot ever gets near a front line trench, except on the briefest of propaganda tours. Sometimes it is a comfort to me to think that the aeroplane is altering the conditions of war. Perhaps when the next great war comes we may see that sight unprecedented in all history, a jingo with a bullet-hole in him.

~George Orwell, "Homage to Catalonia", circa 1937

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Daylight Savings

When told the reason for daylight savings time the Old Indian said, "Only the government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket."

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Church Bulletin board bloopers:

·         Sermon Outline:

o    Delineate your fear

o    Disown your fear

o    Displace your rear

·         Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

·         If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

·         Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

·         Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

·         If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

·         We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

·         Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."

·         Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.

·         Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

·         Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

·         The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.

·         The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church bard.

·         As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.

·         Fifth Sinday is Lent.

·         Thank you dead friends.

·         Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

·         Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

·         For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.

·         Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

·         Persons who are shut-in during bath weather can attend mass over the radio.

·         Theological Open House. We discuss thought-provoking topics. Your opinions are hardly welcome.

·         The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.

·         "Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons."

·         "The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her."

·         "Attend this week's Bible Study on Wednesday. You will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch."

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Efficiency

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..."

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Meanwhile in the Crustacean World

A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.

"It'll never work, honey." he says to her. "Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight."

"Please," she begs her father. "Just meet him once. I know you'll like him."

Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.

The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved's family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!

On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's house as straight as he can.

Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter.....

"I knew it! Here comes that crab and he's drunk!"

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The Importance of Correct Punctuation

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

* * * * * * *

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria

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Verrrrrrrrry Punny!!!!

·         Did you hear about the vet that had to prescribe Viagra to the alligator? It had reptile dysfunction.

·         "Punning is a talent which no man affects to despise but he that is without it." ~Jonathan Swift

·         "Pun: A form of wit to which wise men stoop and fools aspire." ~Ambrose Bierce

·         "A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself." ~ Doug Larson

·         Too many spiders in your house can turn it into a no fly zone.

·         "For my own part I think no innocent species of wit or pleasantry should be suppressed: and that a good pun may be admitted among the smaller excellencies of lively conversation." ~James Boswell

·         "Puns are the droppings of soaring wits." ~Victor Hugo

·         "In the pun, two strings of thought are tangled into one acoustic knot."  ~Arthur Koestler

·         Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny.

·         "I never knew an enemy to puns who was not an ill-natured man." ~Charles Lamb

·         Simultaneous management of elephants and walruses requires the ability to multitusk.

·         "I'm an incorrigible punster. Do not incorrige me."

·         "Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted." ~Fred Allen

·         "Keep your friends close and your enemas closer," said the patient to the proctologist.

·         "Puns are the highest form of literature." ~Alfred Hitchcock

·         Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder.

·         "Wit and puns aren't just decor in the mind; they're essential signs that the mind knows it's on, recognizes its own software, can spot the bugs in its own program."  ~Adam Gopnik

·         Why did the man take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!

"I'm Hungary"

"Did you Czech the fridge?"

"I'm just Russian to the kitchen"

"Is there any Turkey?"

"Some, but it's covered with a layer of Greece"

"Ew, there's Norway you can eat that."

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Truths <political>

·         In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. ~John Adams

·         If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. ~Mark Twain

·         I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like  a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. ~Winston Churchill

·         A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. ~G. Gordon Liddy

·         Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. ~James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

·         Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. ~Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

·         Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. ~P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

·         Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. ~Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)

·         Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it.  If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.  ~Ronald Reagan (1986)

·         I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. ~Will Rogers

·         In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. ~Voltaire (1764)

·         Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! ~Pericles (430 B.C.)

·         No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. ~Mark Twain (1866)

·         Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. ~Anonymous

·         The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. ~Winston Churchill

·         The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. ~Mark Twain

·         The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. ~Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

·         There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. ~Mark Twain

·         What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. ~Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

·         A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. ~Thomas Jefferson

·         We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop

·         You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.

·         What one person receives without working for...another person must work for without receiving.

·         The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

·         You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

·         When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!