The 7 C's of Unhappiness

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has more than 30 years experience as a Life Coach and Licensed Psychologist. Dr. Thomas serves on the faculty of the Institute For Life Coach Training. In that capacity, he teaches advanced coaching teleclasses. To contact the Institute, call (970) 224-9830 or e-mail doccoach. Visit www.lifecoachtraining.com. Contact Dr. Thomas at (970) 568-0173 or e-mail DrLloyd. To to his weekly column, Practical Psychology, e-mail your request to: PracticalPsychology-On and write "" in the subject line and an "X" in the body. Copyright © 2004 Lloyd J. Thomas

We seem to have an unlimited capacity for making our lives unhappy. Despite the Declaration of Independence, most of us fail to exercise our inalienable right to pursue happiness.

I've shared with you the 7 C's of generating happiness in our lives. Now, I want to identify the 7 C's for making our lives unhappy. They are not presented in any order of importance. If practiced regularly, any one of these C's will enable you to make your life miserable.

Complaining: No one likes a complainer. Complainers don't even like themselves. Complaining, especially about things you are unwilling or unable to change, merely splashes negativity on your life-experiences. If you desire much unhappiness in the coming year, complain about everything. The antidote to complaining is appreciation.

Controlling: The only thing you can control in your life is your choices and your responses to life events. You do not have the power to control events that occur outside your skin. You are powerless to control others' behavior. Trying to control that over which you have no power merely breeds internal frustration and anger. Anger and fear are the two most damaging emotions to your happiness. If you want to double-up on your unhappiness, try complaining about your unsuccessful attempts to control others. The antidote to controlling is acceptance.

Conflicting: The most unhappy people are the one's who perceive every situation as a conflict. They rarely feel safe. They usually believe themselves to be inadequate. They often become aggressive and destructive. And the most stressful emotion you can experience is "vengefulness." And we certainly know that the higher your stress level, the more unhappy you are. The antidote to conflict is mutual cooperation.

Criticizing: People who are always judgmental and critical of life, usually include themselves in their criticism. Criticism always hurts both the critic and the target of criticism. The harsh internal critic generates guilt, shame and anxiety. It is virtually impossible to feel happy when you experience guilt, shame and anxiety most of the time. The antidotes for criticism are praise and acknowledgment.

Castigating: Webster defines castigating as: "to correct or subdue by punishing." Blaming and punishing others merely invites defensiveness, retaliation or abandonment. If you blame others, you undercut your own sense of adequacy and increase your dependency. Feelings of inadequacy and dependency do, however, increase your level of unhappiness. Besides, the Declaration of Independence does not assert that punishing others is an inalienable right. The antidote for castigating is affirmation.

Compromising: Sometimes reaching a compromise in conflict situations is the best solution. When you compromise your own values, you betray yourself. Self-betrayal always generates intense unhappiness. Never compromise what you genuinely believe in. Always believe in yourself and your ability to create joy in your life. The antidote for compromising is faithfulness.

Competing: Yes, I know the benefits that can be derived from competition. But competition with others divides your relationships into winners and losers. And you will not be able to win at everything you attempt. Eventually, competitors become unable to compete and then their lives feel very empty. The antidotes for competing are cooperation, collaboration and connection.

There they are...the 7 C's of great unhappiness. If you refine these 7 C's, you enhance your ability to make your life very miserable. And if we all strengthen our capacity for unhappiness, we most certainly will succeed at deadening the joy of being alive.

Source: The 7 C's of Happiness