Predictors of a marital storm

By Ritu Bhatia | Mail Today – Thu 15 Mar, 2012

Simple facial expression of eye rolling could be a sign of marital trouble? We tell you about this and some other habits that may sink a marriage.

We think we know all about them, the signals that mean a marriage is going strong.

Common interests, children, similar backgrounds, religious practices and so on. But our assumptions are often off the mark, and scientists have now come up with a list of powerful indicators that can help couples recognise marital problems before their relationship hits rock bottom.

Most of us judge our marriages by the wrong standards and even therapists go wrong when it comes to predicting which relationships will end in divorce and which won’t.

Here are some of the signs you should look out for.

1. THE WAY YOU TELL THE STORY MATTERS

Imagine that you and your husband had gone on a car trip to the hills.

On the way up, the car failed and you ended up spending the night in a dumpy hotel. By the time you reached your destination, you were tired and grumpy. Repairing the car ate up most of your holiday budget and you ended up scrimping for the whole trip.

In a happy marriage, here’s how the wife would tell the story: Oh my God, that was a real disaster.

The car broke down and all we ate for three days was dal and roti. After that, we decided we wouldn’t take the car up a hilly road again. In another instance, here’s how the wife told the story; He didn’t get the car checked up before the trip. It broke down and he didn’t have the cash to pay for a decent meal after that! I have decided he isn’t going to plan our holidays ever again.

The latter version of the story narrates the same events, only a negative version.

It turns out that the marital narrative – the way you talk about the good and bad times of your years together-is about 90 per cent accurate in predicting whether your marriage is a success or failure.

“The way you narrate even the smallest incident of your life years later reflects the state of your marriage. If one partner is always blaming the other, this signals that things are really wrong. It also reflects that one partner enjoys playing “victim” always,” says Dr. Pulkit Sharma, Clinical psychologist, VIMHANS.

2. PEACE MAY BE DECEPTIVE

The absence of fights in a marital relationship doesn’t necessarily reflect its good health. Researchers have found that among newlyweds, those who rarely argued were happier than those who fought a lot, but only in the beginning.

Three years later, the situation had reversed, as those who argued in the beginning had resolved some of their problems and were likely to have a more stable marriage.

Couples who consistently avoid conflict are often troubled in their relationships and letting the problems pile often leads to a split. “It is better to fight out your issues rather than try and maintain a “good couple” image. Otherwise the problems add up and result in divorce,” says Dr. Sharma.

3. YOUR FACE SAYS IT ALL

You may not believe this, but your facial expressions are a reflection of the satisfaction quotient of your marriage.

Facial expressions such as eye rolling, raised eyebrows and smirking are all signs of contempt, signs that you don’t value your partner. “Body language is a dead giveaway. If you look at any couple keenly for a long time, you would know from their cold indifference or lack of eye contact that there are problems,” says Dr. Sharma. Since facial expressions reflect problems that may not have been articulated, getting to the bottom of the matter will probably need the intervention of a marriage counsellor. Keep track of your own expressions and those of your spouse.

4. ONE PARTNER DOES ALL THE DECIDING

Do you decide all the social events that you and your husband are going to attend? Or do you need to ask your husband for permission before saying yes to an invite? Studies have found that if one partner makes all the decisions around areas of a couple’s life, the satisfaction quotient of the other is low. When the social activities or spending decisions are controlled by one person, the power imbalance puts the relationship at risk. Discussing options and making decisions and social plans together are signs of a cohesive marriage.

“If only one partner influences the bigger decisions in the household, this always leads to resentment,” says Dr. Sharma.

5. THE COMPATIBILITY QUESTION

You come from the same background, have similar values to your partner, enjoy the same kind of food, books and holidays. Yet you can’t stop wondering if you are compatible.

Experts say that people who keep questioning their “compatibility” and blame their unhappiness in a relationship on the “lack of compatibility” with their partner are actually generally discontented with their marital relationship.

Studies show that couples who split up are just about as matched in their ideas about child- raising, finance, and how to spend their leisure time than those who stay together. “The compatibility factor is really overestimated between two persons. In fact, it’s the individual differences, values and desires that define a relationship,” says Dr. Sharma

6. THE FRIENDSHIP REALLY COUNTS

Research shows that one of the most important signs of a successful relationship is the degree of friendship between partners. Spouses who are friends also make up after fights more easily by using humour, a shared joke, for instance, that keeps anger from escalating out of control.

Psychologist John Gottman, best known for his well-studied strategies for beating breakups in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that partners who know each other intimately know how to relieve tension in sticky situations too. “The quality of a couple’s friendship is more important than any other factor in a marriage and indicates that they know each other intimately. This is the foundation of a happy marriage”, declares Dr. Sharma.

A partnership with a zing

Love and passion may not be enough to keep people together after all. New thinking on the issue of commitment is that this feeling is influenced by how much your partner enhances your life and expands your experience, a concept that psychologist and relationship researcher Arthur Aron calls “self-expansion.” You can ask these questions for some clues: Does your partner provide a source of exciting experiences? How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? Do you see your partner as a means to expand your own capabilities?

Reproduced From Mail Today. Copyright 2012. MTNPL. All rights reserved.

Source: Predictors of a marital storm