LOL

One of the most expensive things in the world can be a gal who is free for the evening.

The meaning of life

This guy was desperately looking for the meaning of life. Travelling the globe, he spent all his money on psychics and charlatans who were always happy to take him for a ride.

He then heard that there was one wise Guru up in the Himalayas that knew the true meaning of life.

With his last dime he buys a plane ticket to Nepal, climbs to the top of the mountain and, there in a cave, he found the famous Guru meditating.

"Oh, wise Guru," he said, still breathing hard from the climb, "you are my last hope. Everybody tells me that if there is one person on this planet who knows what life is, it is you. Please, I must know what it is!"

"Well", answered the guru, "life is a bowl of cherries."

"That's it?", exclaimed the man. "I spent all this time and all this money for you to give me this cockamamie excuse of an answer? Life is a #@%&$#! bowl of cherries??!?!? That is so unfair!!!!"

"That's life", answered the guru.

T-shirt signs

·         So Few Men, Even Fewer Who Can Afford Me

·         I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy

·         If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going

·         At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just Can't Remember It All

·         My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

·         I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

·         If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

·         Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

·         No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed" man)

·         I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

·         I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

·         Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the Front)

With a $25,000 Cover Charge (on the back)

·         Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some Things Are Just Better Rich

·         Liberal Arts Major ... Will Think For Money

·         First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order

The Cyclist

Bicyclists in this Santa Clara County are supposed to register at their local fire department station. Not many cyclists know this. But some fire departments too do not know this.

I went into a fire station, and said, "Hi, I'm here with my bike."

One of the blokes frowned and asked, "Why? It doesn't look like it's on fire."

I replied, "I'd like a permit."

They looked at me incredulously and one of them asked, "A permit to set your bike on fire?"

Er, what?

·         A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage when an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage said, "What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks JUST like his father". "I know", replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"

·         My fourth grade students were required to date the entries in their journals, but one young fellow neglected to do so. I made a notation "Date?" beside his last entry. The next time I reviewed his journal, I spotted his response to my query "I'm too young".

·         Ad: Compulsive Liar - Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar chateau on the French Rivera.

·         "Come on, Mom. Don't be mad at me. After all, I never said my room was clean". "Yes you did". "No, what I said was, “I'm done cleaning my room”.

·         A teenage boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes says to his friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."

Smart kids

When my son asked my dad how old he was, my dad teasingly replied, "I'm not sure". "Look in your underwear, Grandpa", he advised "Mine says I'm 4-to-6".

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.  "I don't know", she replied. "I can't read".

Kids recalling the Bible after Sunday school

·         The Lord thy God is one, but surely he must be a lot older than that?

·         God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone gave him a light.

·         Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Did he use Grandma's car, it's so OOOLD!

·         God gave Moses his Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, also Humor thy father and thy mother.

·         David had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

·         Jesus was born in Bethlehem in a barn. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say yes.

·         During his life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

·         Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

Mobile Manners

After a busy day, I settled down on the bus from Sydney. I try to nap as far as my destination at Maroubra. This chap sitting near me hauls out his mobile and starts up:- "Hi darling it's me Mark, I'm on the bus - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had an important meeting - NO, not with that floozy from the office pool, with the boss.  No darling you're the only one in my life - YES, I'm sure, love you my Babe" etc., etc.

This was still going on at Bronte, when the young lady sitting next to him, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey Mark, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!"

The wife

·         My wife is so talented. She does the best bird imitations. She watches me like a hawk.

·         I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

·         All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

·         I came home, the car was in the dining room. "Honey, how did you get the car in here"? "Easy", she said.  "I took a left at the kitchen".

Signs:

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Our Pastor is so old....

....when God said "LET THERE BE LIGHT", *he* flipped the switch.

....he claims the story of Adam and Eve was inspired by his first marriage.

....he was a cabin boy on Noah's Ark.

....when Moses parted the Red Sea he was on the other side fishing

....At the Last Supper, he was a waiter

Gambling Husband

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'