The truth about moms

Saira Kurup

Times have changed, the family has gone nuclear. But has mom changed? On Mother's Day, Sunday Times presents revealing nuggets from a survey that throws up interesting facts like the disclosure that women are still prepared to make the same sacrifices their moms did

Shahida Parveen Ganguly remembers her mother often asking her and her six siblings to eat first when there was little food at home. "I was small but would somehow understand that she was giving up her share of the food for us, and I would then make her eat part of my share," recalls Ganguly, who is Jammu and Kashmir's first woman police officer.

That expression of a mother's love and sacrifice is something few children can forget. It's a story repeated over and over in many Indian homes. It is the mother who puts her children and family first, who sometimes opts to give up a career for caregiving, who puts off buying something for herself to save money and who eats and sleeps last but gets up first in the morning.

Many gender roles might be getting redefined slowly in the 21st century, but that of a mother is not likely to change soon. "The mother remains the backbone of the family," says Professor Tulsi Patel of Delhi University's sociology department. In fact, a new survey finds that 92% of Indian women are willing to make the same sacrifices for their own children as their mothers did. Called 'Thank You Mom', it was conducted by Ipsos and commissioned by Proctor & Gamble. It covered over 3,000 women in India and 11 other Asia-Pacific countries.

The survey finds that the mother is seen as indispensable for child development everywhere. Interestingly, India and China reported many similar results, including the highest numbers who said they were very close to their mothers (96%) and knew about their moms' sacrifices. While the Japanese did not agree much with the sacrifices their mothers made, they acknowledged that moms are important in a child's life.

What's significant is that despite having impressive degrees, fatter wallets and greater freedom, women lean a lot on their moms' support. In India, some 60% aspired to be just like their moms and 86% sought their advice often. Ganguly, a much-decorated officer who led daredevil operations against militants, says her mother is her biggest inspiration.

Harshini Kanhekar, 31, the country's first female firefighter and now senior fire officer with ONGC in Mumbai, says, "I had my parents' full support when I got admission to the (then all-male) National Fire Service College, Nagpur. My mom has a modern outlook and she never put any restrictions on me."

Even in the west, while the dependence on parents is much less, recession seems to be bringing maternal grandmoms back into the picture. A part of the same survey in 12 European countries on the changing face of motherhood shows that 44% of mothers, on an average, turned to their own moms for support in order to go out and work. The numbers were highest in countries such as Italy, Spain and Portugal where the extended family is a strong tradition.

Yet, despite enjoying far easier lifestyles than 30 years ago, with support systems and labour-saving devices, few are likely to say that motherhood has become easier. If a majority of Indian women said that having insufficient time for their families was their biggest regret , working women in UK reported the highest levels of guilt (" Should I spend more time with my children instead of pursuing a career?"). Many are also discontented for being 'just homemakers'.

In fact, a number of European mothers said they were more like "family managers" than traditional housewives. Ganguly agrees: "We have to take care of our jobs and homes, too. Earlier, they were not so educated or competitive. I understood what my mother did for me after I had two sons, now 8 and 4. Ever since they were born, I haven't thought about anything else but them. I have some dreams, such as to do mountaineering, but have put them on hold."

A large majority of Indians (81%) believed their mothers could have achieved much more had it not been for the sacrifices they made. Ironically, more than half expressed their appreciation only occasionally.

That's the thing with mothers - we just don't tell them enough how important they are, and will always be, to us.

Source: The truth about moms