~Marshall McLuhan
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy."
~Frank Sinatra
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
It's not a hangover. It's wine flu.
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Q. Have you heard about the lawyers' document program?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
I was hugged, and then I was mauled, by a bipolar bear.
Is any thing worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
~Spike Milligan
Life is like a penis.... simple, relaxed and hanging free.
It's women who make it hard.
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Money
~Richard Armour
Workers earn it,
Spendthrifts burn it,
Bankers lend it,
Women spend it,
Forgers fake it,
Taxes take it,
Dying leave it,
Heirs receive it,
Thrifty save it,
Misers crave it,
Robbers seize it,
Rich increase it,
Gamblers lose it,
I could use it.
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Unfair life
Life is unfair, get used to it. To illustrate:
I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them.
I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them.
I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them.
I lost three pounds on a diet ... I found them AND five more.
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Rodney Dangerfield lines
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vinnie Boombatz. Yeah...I told him, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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Passion
He Grabbed Me Around My Slender Neck
I Could Not Call Or Scream.
He Dragged Me To My Dingy Room
Where We Could Not Be Seen.
He Tore Away My Flimsy Wrap
And Gazed Upon My Form.
I Was So Cold And Damp And Scared
While He Was Dry And Warm.
He Pressed His Feverish Lips To Mine
I Could Not Make Him Stop.
He Drained Me Of My Inner Self
I Gave Him Every Drop.
Then He Cast Me From His Side
So Now You See Me Here.
An Empty Bottle Thrown Away
That Once Was Full Of Beer.
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Lingerie shopping
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home.
One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."
Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered.
"If you smile, put them back."
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MAKING THE GRADE
A schoolteacher expecting her first child attended natural childbirth classes. When she went to the hospital in labor, she found that one of her classmates had also arrived and was also in labor. The classmate immediately requested drugs to ease her pain, while the teacher gave birth aided only by her husband's coaching.
When the nurses rolled the teacher out of the delivery room, she spotted a chalkboard. Beside her classmate's name was an A-; next to hers was a B+.
"Honey, look at that!" the teacher complained to her husband. "She took all the drugs they gave her and made an A-. I gave birth naturally and only got a B+."
Her patient husband rolled his eyes. "Sweetheart," he said, "that's your blood type."
"Making The Grade" from "A Tribute To Teachers" by Richard Lederer (2011)
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SORRY I'M LATE
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation, but at least he was here, so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
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