Humour

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.

PHONE SALES

The phone rang and the lady picked it up.. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"

"No," she replied.

"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"

"I really don't have any," she said.

"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.

"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," she parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"

When Clinton was President

John Cleese, the English comedian and actor, was asked on American TV what he thought the difference between the English and the Americans were.  In reply, he said that there were three differences:

1.    We speak English and you don't.

2.    When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries.

3.    When you meet the head of state in England, you only have to go down on one knee.

  

Golf

"Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."

-- Jack Benny

"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."

-- Jimmy Demaret

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."

-- Jack Lemmon

"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."

-- Unknown

"I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."

-- Gerald Ford

"The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."

-- PG Wodehouse

FRISKY

One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire ... a man and his wife went to bed and the lady began feeling very, er, frisky. She asks him if he was in the mood.

He replied, "Not tonight dear, I'm really tired."

She replied, "Is that your final answer?"

He says, "Yes."

"OK, then I'm going to phone a friend," she replied.

WIDOWS

Two widows were visiting in the lounge of the Seniors' Center...

"Well," said one, "Mary has just cremated her third husband."

"Yeah, that's the way it goes," replied the other widow. "Some of us can't find a husband, and others have husbands to burn!"

Inner Wisdom

·         As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

·         I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

·         I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

·         I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

·         In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.

·         Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

·         My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

·         I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

·         Joan of Arc heard voices too.

·         I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

·         I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

·         As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

·         When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

·         The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

Confucius did NOT say...

·         Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

·         Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

·         Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

·         Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

·         Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

·         Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

·         War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

·         Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

·         It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

·         Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

·         Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

EXERCISE

I just signed up for an exercise class and was told I needed to wear loose fitting clothing. Honestly, if I had any loose fitting clothing, do you really think I would have signed up for the exercise class?

I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon. - Ellen DeGeneres

Aerobics: A series of strenuous exercises which help convert fats, sugars, and starches into aches, pains, and cramps. - Unknown

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. - Robert M. Hutchins

Don't forget, your brain needs exercise, too. So, I spend lots of time each day thinking up excuses for not working out.

I'm on a strict running program. I started yesterday. I've only missed one day so far.

Thirty ways to shape up for summer -- number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three... What was I talking about? I'm so hungry right now.

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

SMS: My love! If you're smiling send me a smile.

    If you're sleeping, send me your dreams.

    If you're crying, send me your tears.

Reply: I'm in the loo...

INTERESTING WORDS

"listen" and "silent" use the same letters?

And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past  tense "ate"?

Report Card

A boy walked through the front door of his house after school one afternoon and presented his latest report card to his dad. Dad looked at it and frowned.

"This report card is terrible!" he lamented. "It's just as bad as the last several you have brought home."

"Yeah," the boy replied.

"Is that all you have to say for yourself?" the father asked.

"Well, no," the boy answered, then added, "There's a bright side to all this!"

"And what is that?" the father demanded.

"Obviously," the boy replied, "I never cheat!"

Ineptocracy

(in-ep-toc'-ra-cy)

A system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by The least capable of producing, and Where the members of society least Likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.