Humour

"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark;

the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light."

~Plato

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Kids are like farts. You dont mind your own, but other people's are unbearable.

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Gone fishing

This guy decided to take his little nephews fishing one morning. When the three returned, his wife asked, "What did you guys catch this morning?"

"Nothing," he grumbled.

"Well," said the Missus, "perhaps you'll have better luck this afternoon."

"Nope," he replied, "we won't be going fishing this afternoon. While I was driving, the little buggers ate all the bait."

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Armed Forces brilliance

·         "Aim towards the enemy." Instruction printed on a rocket launcher

·         "Cluster bombing is very, very accurate.  The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." U.S.A.F.

·         "If the enemy is in range...so are you." U.S. Army Infantry Journal

·         "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." U.S. Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

·         "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." U.S. Air Force Manual

·         "Try to look  unimportant; they may be low on ammo." U.S. Army Infantry Journal

·         "Tracers work both ways." U.S. Army Ordinance

·         "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." Col. David Hackworth

·         "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." U.S. Army Infantry Journal

·         "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." Joe Gay

·         "Any ship can be a minesweeper...once." Anonymous

·         "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." Unknown Army Recruit

·         "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." Your Buddies

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Yelling

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!!  Get out of this house!" she ordered. As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Puzzled, I turned around and asked "So now you want me to stay?"

I'll be out of the hospital in 10 days time.

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Office quotes

·         Nepotist company: We promote family values here - almost as often as we promote family members.

·         Leaders are like eagles. We dont have either of them here.

·         Until you spread your wings you'll have no idea how far you can walk.

·         Meetings: 'coz none of us individually is as dumb as all of us collectively.

·         If a pretty poster and a cute saying below it are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job...the kind robots will be doing soon.

·         As long as we have each other, we'll never run out of problems.

·         Teamwork: A few flakes individually harmless working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.

·         Some people dream of success, while other people live to crush those dreams

·         Change: That short trip from riding the waves of change to being torn apart by the jaws of defeat.

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The survey

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure:

·         In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

·         In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

·         In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

·         In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

·         In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant

·         In South America they didn't know what "please" meant

·         In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world"  meant.

·         In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent...

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Removeoneletterfilms

What would happen if one letter was removed from a film title?

·         iTanic - Apple makes an unsinkable ship

·         The Dark Night - The story of a usual evening

·         Mr & Mr Smith.  The story of a gay detective couple.

·         Tax Driver: "You didn't build that road. Somebody else made that happen."

·         Fat and Furious.  An obese man is kicked out of an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet

·         Indian Jones - a Bollywood adventure film

·         Forrest Gum. The story of a new flavor from Wrigley's.

·         Now White - The story of Michael Jackson.

·         The Ark Knight Rises - Noah comes back with a vengeance.

·         Tar Wars - The intergalactic battle for the world's road surfaces

·         The Da Vinci Cod - Tom Hanks tries to find the legendary lost cod that da Vinci left in the Louvre

·         "O Brother Where rt Thou" - The story of a man who just wants his brother to give him a ReTweet

·         Pollo 13 - The story of an unlucky Spanish chicken

·         30 - The story of 30 Spartans who get battered really easily.

·         Hoe Alone.  A daring streetwalker works without a pimp.

·         Lord Of The Rigs -- A trucker takes control of the convoy.

·         Indiana Owns - A documentary about why Indiana is awesome

·         City of Go - Monopoly-based feature film

·         American Pi - Math Camp

·         Gone In 6 Seconds - The epic tale of a man anguished by his inability to perform in bed.

·         Aging Bull - An old overweight boxer doesn't know when to quit

·         The Ion King - After the tragic death of his father, Michael Faraday takes back what is rightfully his.

·         Easy Ride - Dennis Hopper and Jack Nicholson take their motorbikes round Ulrika Jonsson's house.

·         Forrest Ump - The story of a mentally challenged umpire who mistakes the woods for a baseball stadium

·         Avenger - One super hero gets the job done

·         Me in Black. The story of an Arab woman in her everyday outfit.

·         Cockwork Orange. The story of Cheetos and porn

·         Lazing Saddles.  The story of shiftless cowboys who let their cattle roam without them.

·         Lice in Wonderland: Wonderland isn't all rabbits, rainbows and smiling cats.

·         The -Team - The story of an average group of adults, none of whom have special attributes.

·         Peggy Sue Got Marred - A story of domestic abuse

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Quotes from Jules Renard

·         Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

·         It is not how old you are but how you are old.

·         Writing is an occupation in which you have to keep proving your talent to people who have none.

·         Culture is what's left after you have forgotten everything.

·         I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.

·         Look for the ridiculous in everything, and you will find it.

·         If money does not make you happy; give it back.

·         Writing is the only way to talk without being interrupted.

·         If one were to build the house of happiness, the largest space would be the waiting room.

·         We don't understand life any better at forty than at twenty, but we know it and admit it.

·         I find when I do not think of myself I do not think at all.

·         Failure is not the only punishment for laziness; there is also the success of others.

·         The only man who is really free is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

·         Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.

·         As I grow to understand life less and less, I learn to love it more and more.

·         I am never bored anywhere; being bored is an insult to oneself.

·         If I were to begin life again, I should want it as it was. I would only open my eyes a little more.

·         Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

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Bosses: via Dilbert

·         Our management team is made up of three individuals, whom we refer to as the "tin man" (who doesn't have a heart), the "scarecrow" (who doesn't have a brain), and the "lion" (who lacks any courage).

·         I was called into my Boss' office to explain why I had given an employee a copy of their performance review to take home and read prior to our review meeting. She said "We don't want employees to read their evaluations before the review meetings. It might make them angry."

·         When my Boss was asked to send a group of employees to a training program, he replied "Why would I want to send those idiots for training. They have no idea what they're doing!"

·         As a major benefit to the community my company donates food to the homeless. Shortly after my Boss became Director of this program he determined we were "losing" money. In his next staff meeting he said "Do you think there's some way we could charge the homeless."

·         Comment in a personnel meeting "I have never seen a happy husband and a happy wife, so I think employees should be prohibited from dating since the outcome can only have a negative long-term impact on the company."

·         On a particularly busy day our Boss canceled lunch and told everyone to eat at their desks. We grumbled but placed our order with the local deli. Moments later our Boss popped her head into the office and said "If you need me I'll be at the diner. Beep me if it is really important."

·         My Boss gave me a stack of papers to Xerox last week. Four days later she came and asked me if I had done the copying yet. I  told her I had done it 4 days ago and set the papers on her chair. We walked into her office to find the crumpled papers still on her chair.

·         My Boss called me in an office one day and told me to stop coming up with new ideas and asking so many questions. She said she feels she is being "challenged" when an employee does that.

·         It was raining profusely and I had to go to my car for some files. As I passed my Boss' office, I asked if I could use his umbrella since I had not brought mine. He said "No, you might get it wet."

·         In a department of only 3 employees, one was clearly not doing her share of the work. One of the two other persons being quite frustrated by the situation decided to talk to the Boss to see what could be done. The Boss' answer was simple. We shouldn't do anything since mentioning the problem to the less productive employee might upset her and we would then have 2 frustrated employees instead of only one"

·         "I realize you've worked with us since you graduated from college, but it's now time to plan for a multi-employer career."

·         "We don't have benefits or a 401K plan because employees don't seem to stay with us long."

·         "No we don't promote family members first. It's just coincidence."

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Slow, isn't he?

The wife left a note on the fridge: "It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about............the fridge works fine.

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