She told me she loves me more ...

Quips

She told me she loves me more than any other man in the world. She tried them all???

Politics

·         Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato

·         Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer

·         I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

·         Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson

The Question

A logician saves the life of a tiny space alien. The alien is very grateful and, since she's omniscient, offers the following reward: She will answer any question the logician might pose.

Without too much thought (after all, he's a logician), he asks: "What is the best question to ask and what is the correct answer to that question?"

The tiny alien pauses. Finally she replies, "The best question is the one you just asked and the correct answer is the one I gave."

Dogs vs Politicians

·         My dog sleeps most of the day.

·         He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.

·         His meals are provided at no cost to him.

·         He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

·         For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

·         He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep.

·         If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

·         He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

·         He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

·         He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

·         All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

Politicians are just like dogs, except that dogs are more grateful.

THE QUESTION. . . . . . AND THE ANSWER.

An age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the rationale:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you *never* hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

Frozen panes

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."

Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back: "Computer completely fuc?ed now."

Annoying People

·         People can be anything they want on the internet, so it always amazes me how many people choose "freakin' moron".

·         Every year there are more and more assholes.  This year I have the impression that the assholes from next year have already begun to arrive. ~Patrick Timsit

·         You shouldn't call people assholes, but you must never forget that, in reality, they ARE.

Elephantine limericks

The elephant has a great big trunk;

He never packs it with clothes.

It has no lock and it has no key,

But he takes it wherever he goes.

Way down south where bananas grow,

A grasshopper stepped on an elephant's toe.

The elephant said, with tears in his eyes,

"Pick on somebody your own size."

Patience

The woman comes back to her house and rushes into the library to speak with her husband: "We have got to fire the chauffeur; that's twice that he has nearly killed me!"

"Oh," says the husband, "let's not be too hasty. I want to give him one more chance."

Lie detectors

The sheriff found that he needed to hire an extra deputy, and he was interviewing a candidate: "Pauly, have you ever seen a lie detector?"

"Better than that, sheriff, I married one."

Favorite tax

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.

"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.

"Ay-yuh," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."

The trial

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness, "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case"?

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case"? The lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said. "I thought he was talking to you."