Forgiveness is in the air this time of year – all the more reason to acknowledge the importance of letting go of the past for...
During Eid, many of us make an effort to visit one another, ask for forgiveness and make amends. For most of us, it is the easiest time of year to do so. But on other occasions, we hesitate to be the first to apologise. After all, it’s not an easy thing to do. Many of us live in a state of anger and non-forgiveness of others, especially towards those who we feel did us wrong. This will cause regret down the road if the window of opportunity to forgive or ask for forgiveness closes.
Why is making amends so important? In a Bukhari hadith, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, ‘Allah will not be merciful to those who are not merciful to people.’ This indicates the importance of both giving and asking for forgiveness. Failure to do so is the main reason why people do not move forward and achieve success in their lives. Have you ever felt stressed or heavy with negative emotion within yourself about an unresolved issue with someone? This negative emotion, left unreleased, will create future relationship problems with others and affect you on emotional, spiritual, mental and health levels. You need to forgive yourself, forgive the other person and make amends with the past. As long as you find it impossible to make amends, you are allowing the pain, trauma or negativity to live within you. A powerful analogy illustrates this concept. ‘Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die’ (author unknown). When we do not forgive we are actually hurting ourselves and our future success in life.
When deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future
Perhaps you have been the one who has caused hurt to another in the past. Or maybe you have been hurt by someone else. By making amends, you acknowledge the importance to release this negative incident so as to start a new chapter in your relationship and your life. A wonderful quote I love by Mary Karen Read, mentioned in the last entry of her journal before she was killed in the Virginia Tech shootings of 2007, reads as follows: ‘When deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.’
When making amends, you must first face your feelings and take responsibility for them. Perhaps at the point in time when the negative situation occurred, you caused – or felt – hurt, which made the situation get out of hand. It is tempting to defend your feelings and actions with blame, justification and criticism. Instead, admit your desire to apologise and forgive the other person, so that you can both move on positively in your lives. Why would you want to keep avoiding each other and put up false appearances?
Here are some ways you can start:
· Change your state of mind. If you still feel upset about the past, focus instead on the benefits of making amends
· Take responsibility for the situation. Even if you feel that you were not completely at fault, do not justify the situation. The point of making amends is to acknowledge that your mistakes played a part in the situation, and move forward
· Use the incident as a learning curve in your life. All challenges are tests by Allah, and they are given to us because we are able to overcome them (Qur’an, Al-Baqarah, 2:286)
· Face your resentment and start the forgiveness process before meeting the person. Imagine yourself talking to the person lovingly and say what you have to say
· Take some time to cool off and heal, but do not take too long because resentment is unhealthy
· Write a letter to the person prior to meeting with him or her to express how you feel. Check what you have written. If you detect any negativity in your words, rewrite the letter until you feel only love coming out of the message. You should mail the letter to the person. A handwritten letter is better than an email or text message. I always recommend writing a letter, even to a person with whom you did not get a chance to make amends – for example, a deceased person or someone who cannot be contacted
People with unresolved forgiveness issues will experience problems in their relationships, confidence and careers in the future. Make amends as soon as possible and do not wait for that once a year occasion. You may even develop a stronger bond with that person.
We are all souls who will ultimately go back to Allah. Making amends brings peace to our souls. With that, we can look forward to a better chance at success in this world and the Hereafter.
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