Humour

Sourced from an email sent by my friend TG

Don't confuse my personality and my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are.


Will Rogers quotes

- Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

- Never miss a good chance to shut up.

...On growing older

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

Aging Thoughts

·         Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

·         There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

·         You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

·         Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

·         Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

·         You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

·         Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

·         By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

·         Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

·         A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

·         You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

A Toast....

Here's to you, as good as you are, and to me, as bad as I am. I'm still as good as you are, as bad as I am.

The Logician

A logician saves the life of a tiny space alien. The alien is very grateful and, since she's omniscient, offers the following reward:

She offers to answer any question the logician might pose. Without too much thought (after all, he's a logician), he asks: "What is the best question to ask and what is the correct answer to that question?" The tiny alien pauses. Finally she replies, "The best question is the one you just asked; and the correct answer is the one I gave."

Presidential jokes

When Will Rogers was being taken to the White House to meet President Calvin Coolidge, Vice President Dawes cautioned him not to try to be funny because the President had no sense of humour whatsoever.

Undaunted, Rogers bet Dawes that he could have Coolidge laughing within 20 seconds.

When the formal introduction was made, Dawes began by saying, "Mr. President, may I introduce my friend, Mr Will Rogers."

Rogers held out his hand with a questioning look and said, "Pardon me, I didn't quite get the name."

Coolidge roared with laughter, and Rogers won the wager.

First-Wife Banter

Said Mrs. Nixon to Mrs. Kennedy on the eve of the 1960 election, "I slept with the future president of the United States last night."

To which Mrs. Kennedy responded, "That Jack'll do anything for a vote."

To Quote the President

"I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone."

- President John F. Kennedy (at a dinner honoring Nobel Prize winners, April 29, 1962)

"When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'present' or 'not guilty.'" ~President Teddy Roosevelt

"Being president is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening." - President Bill Clinton

"These stories about my intellectual capacity really get under my skin. You know, for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, 'Intelligence Briefing.'" - President George W. Bush

"May God save the country, for it is evident that the people will not."  - President Millard Fillmore

"Facts are stupid things." - President Ronald Reagan

"Ok, look, you know, when I was a kid, I inhaled frequently. That was the point." - President Barack Obama

"My plan reduces the national debt, and fast. So fast, in fact, that economists worry that we're going to run out of debt to retire." - President George W. Bush