ARUNA RATHOD PANVEL,
Mumbai Mirror
Your 20s are not just about hooking up and hanging out.
Here's why you'd better take the 'defining decade' seriously
Growing life expectancy, late marriage
and even later parenthood are making modern humans believe they have a lot more
time on hand. The collateral damage, says University of Virginia clinical
psychologist Dr Meg Jay, is the tendency to waste your 20s. Having spent more
than 10 years studying 20-somethings, in an email interview with Mirror, she
argues that your first step into adulthood is not just about hooking up and
hanging out. Don't get her wrong; she's all for exploration, as long as it's
productive. What we do, and don't do, in our 20s has a far-reaching effect on
who we eventually turn out to be, she says in her book, The Defining Decade.
Here's her guide for TOI readers on
how to make the most of their 20s.
Find
fresh peers
Best friends are great if you need a
ride to the airport, getting pi**ed drunk with, and discovering new getaways in
the company of. But if you spend your 20s huddled together with like-minded
peers, you limit who you know, what you know, how you think, and where you
work. That new job, even that new person to date, almost always comes from
outside the inner circle. Half of new jobs are never posted, so reaching out to
your neighbour's boss is how you get that unposted job. It's not cheating. It's
the science of how information spreads.
Experiment
with relationships
Increasingly, we are mistaking sex for
'experimenting with relationships'. It's just one part of a relationship. What
couples fail to do is spend time doing a wider range of activities other than
partying and getting physically intimate. What does sex and drinking yourself
silly tell you about a longterm relationship? Very little.
Communicate
with your lover
Studies reveal that communication is a
key factor in relationship longevity. Talk to your partner. Do you share the
same goals and values? Do you have the same ideas about the future? Do you want
the same things at work and in love? How do you work out disagreements? How do
you like to spend a Sunday or a rainy day? Answers to these questions have more
to do with how you'll fare as a couple.
Make
timelines for life
A timeline helps 20-somethings see
that, contrary to how it feels when you are 22 or 27, time is limited. There is
a lot to do between 20 and 40; cramming everything in between 30 and 40 has its
downsides. A timeline creates structure and urgency, but make it in pencil, of
course, because revision is important.
Cope
with a 'first' tough job
Realise that this job isn't the end
point; it's the first step. Gone are the days when you stick to a job for life.
These are the years to earn career capital. Do something that adds value to who
you are in the workplace, an investment in who you'd like to be. Always think
one job ahead. If what you're doing now makes it more likely that you will get
the next job you want, then keep gathering that capital and move onto the next
job when the time is right.
Use
your brain
Current neurobiological research says
that the frontal lobe is the last area of the brain to develop. And it does not
fully mature until sometime during your 20s. So the decade is the capstone of
the brain's last growth spurt. We become what we see and do every day. Neurons
we don't use can waste away. Now is the time to learn new habits and pick up
new skills. It will never be easier to become the person you would like to be.
Analyse
competition
Beware of the tendency to 'compare and
despair', like we do on Facebook. These are what are called 'upward social
comparisons'. Our imperfect lives and nights sitting on the couch feel low
compared to the high life everyone else seems to be leading. You have to think
critically about what you are seeing and be aware of what you are not seeing.
And remember to do some downward social comparisons by reminding yourself that
you are better off than a lot of other 20-somethings.
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