By Kim Abraham LMSW
and Marney Studaker-Cordner LMSW
“You know the kid that no one wants to
play with? The kid who stands alone at recess or lunch? Who never gets invited
to birthday parties? That’s my kid. And it breaks my heart.”
When a child is aggressive toward
others – hitting, screaming, pushing, throwing things – the natural response of
the people around him is to withdraw. It’s frightening to see someone whose
anger has reached a point where it seems out of control. If your elementary or
middle school-age child is behaving aggressively toward others, it’s important
to address the issue now, before it escalates to serious consequences such as
suspension, legal problems or serious harm to others.
"It’s easy to feel vulnerable as
a parent – embarrassed or ashamed that your child is the one on the playground
that no one wants to get near for fear of his behavior."
There are a variety of reasons a child
may behave aggressively. Jake may hit someone for an entirely different reason
than his classmate Sophie does.
Here
are some tips when it comes to identifying why your child is aggressive:
·
Don’t assume
you know why your child is behaving aggressively. The behavior
is actually the symptom of the actual problem. We often guess at what’s going
on inside someone, based on what we can see. If a woman is crying, we guess
she’s sad. In fact, she may be angry, scared or just have something in her eye.
Just because your child hits or bites someone, that doesn’t necessarily mean
he’s angry. He could be hurt, scared, sad or feeling threatened.
·
Rule out
medical or sensory issues before deciding the aggression is due solely to
any other trigger. Some children are extremely sensitive to noises, lights and
sensations. We all have minor sensitivities. Maybe you don’t like scratchy
sweaters or the way certain fabric feels. Maybe you doodle when you’re in a
meeting as a way of “self-stimulating.” For some kids, multiply the way that
feels by a hundred. This leaves a child literally feeling like they could come
out of their skin sometimes. In a situation where they are over-stimulated,
they may respond with behavior that is aggressive because they don’t know how
to express what they’re feeling. There are occupational therapists who can
evaluate your child to see if there are sensory issues triggering or
contributing to her behavior problems. Most schools offer occupational therapy
assessments as part of special education testing. Contact your local
intermediate school district office or your child’s school social worker if you
think your child may need an evaluation.
·
Rule out
allergies to foods or environmental factors as a primary cause of
aggression. One parent we know had her son tested for allergies and found that
whenever he ate something with red dye in it (such as red licorice) he became
very agitated. If your child has episodes of violence or aggression, you may want
to schedule a physical exam or occupational therapy assessment.
·
Do some
investigating.
Track your child’s behavior for a week and notice what situations or feelings
seem to trigger the aggression. Again, don’t assume you know what your child
was feeling when he hit or kicked someone. When the situation has calmed down
and everyone is safe, help him identify what happened. Was he feeling
threatened by someone who called him a name? Was he frustrated because he was
told he couldn’t do something he wanted to do? Are there particular situations
or people that seem to trigger the behavior? That will help you when it comes
to identifying a solution.
Is
Your Child an Exploder or an Imploder?
When a child is experiencing emotions
or sensations that are extreme, it's going to come out in some way. Some
children will “explode” – in other words, the emotion will be turned outward
onto others, much like a soda can that’s been shaken and spews over everything
when it’s opened. Emotions build, and so at some point Jake releases his anger,
frustration, fear or hurt by lashing out. Other children will “implode.” The
intense emotions will be turned inward. Emotions build and at some point Sophie
shuts down or behaves in a way that is destructive or aggressive toward herself.
She may even self-harm as a way of releasing those intense feelings that she
just can’t tolerate. This article focuses on the Exploder, but if your child
has started to harm herself as a way of coping with stressors or emotions, this
is just as serious of a concern. Exploders tend to get more attention because
their behavior becomes a problem for others (parents, peers, teachers). But
Imploders need just as much – perhaps more – support in finding positive ways
to cope with life. If you suspect your child is engaging in self-harming
behaviors, bring your concerns to his or her pediatrician immediately.
5
Ways to Manage Aggressive Kids
1. Be involved. As a parent, it’s your job to
guide and teach your child how to handle emotions and stressful situations.
That doesn’t mean it’s your “fault” that your child is behaving aggressively.
It means your child is experiencing something (emotions, a stressful situation)
that he isn’t equipped to handle. He needs you to show him how to deal with
intense emotions.
2. Create a Comfortable Relationship. If your child
is experiencing intense emotions that she doesn’t know how to handle, is she
comfortable enough in the parent-child relationship to come to you? Or is she
afraid you’ll get mad and yell or discount her by saying, “That’s no excuse!
You don’t hit!” Tell your child there’s nothing you can’t work through together
and that you’re there to support her. Then show her, through your own behavior,
that when you are upset (such as when you find out she bit someone), you handle
your emotions in a way that is constructive, without exploding.
3. Give your child words. Many children
don’t have the ability to name an emotion they’re feeling. Jake may think he’s
mad, but underneath he may be feeling hurt that he’s been left out of a game or
social interaction. He may be feeling embarrassed that he didn’t know an answer
in class. Help your child identify that "under anger" is usually
another feeling, then validate that feeling as normal. Even though the behavior
(screaming, hitting, throwing things) isn’t okay, the feeling that triggered
the behavior is valid. “Of course you felt sad when your friend left to hang
out with someone else. But throwing rocks at him isn’t the way to handle it.”
4. Brainstorm on coping tools. No matter
what the cause is of the aggressive behavior, your child must learn to cope
with intense emotions or he’s going to have some negative consequences in life.
Talk together about what helps him calm down. He may need a way to release
energy that doesn’t spew all over others. Can he go to the gym and shoot some
baskets when he’s having a rough day at school? Can he go and sit in a room by
himself if space is something that calms him down? Does he need to avoid
certain people or situations? Some kids are triggered during “unsupervised”
times at school: lunch, recess and passing in the hallways. These are times
teachers have more difficulty seeing what goes on due to the amount of kids
present. Does your child need to pass between classes a few minutes before
others do? Enlist the help of teachers or relatives – if you trust their
intentions and they truly want to support your child in coping positively.
Present your
ideas in a positive manner of helping your child behave appropriately with
others – not shaming him or her in any way. If it doesn’t work, go “back to the
drawing board.” Keep brainstorming until you find what works for your child and
be creative.
5. Behavior and Mood Disorders. Aggression
can be part of a bigger picture. If your child continues to exhibit aggression
despite your efforts to help her manage emotions, you may want to schedule an
appointment with a counselor or therapist. Chemical imbalances, ADHD and
behavior patterns such as Oppositional Defiant Disorder can all contribute to
aggressive behavior. In those cases – or if there’s a tendency to implode -
your child might benefit from more intensive support from a mental health
professional.
Responding
to Aggression
If your child does resort to
aggression (pushing, hitting, throwing things), remain calm. Remember, it will
very likely take some practice to replace aggression with new, positive
behaviors. So try your best to stay calm and assess the situation. If he’s
behaving aggressively toward you, give him some space. Understand that trying
to restrain an already agitated child can quickly escalate the situation
further. If you can safely allow him to calm down by giving him space, that’s
the best option. Also, when you're in the middle of the tornado, it's not the time
to talk about triggers or consequences. You may reassure your child: “I know
you’re upset. Take a few minutes to calm down.”
After the emotional storm has passed,
you can discuss things such as triggers, why your child wasn’t able to use some
of the positive coping skills you’ve been identifying with him, and ways to
hold him accountable for anything he may have broken. Does the situation call
for a consequence? That’s up to you, as his parent, to decide. Did he break
something? If so, he’ll need to pay for it out of his allowance, his birthday
money, or work it off in chores. Did he harm you or someone else physically?
You can encourage him to apologize and take responsibility for his behavior.
Keep in mind, kids who exhibit a pattern of Oppositional Defiant Disorder may
dig their heels in and refuse to apologize. How will you respond to that? You
may give your child a choice: “Jake, you hurt your sister when threw that toy
and it hit her. You have a choice: you can apologize or you will lose your
video game for one week.” Or go straight to the consequence if you believe it’s
warranted.
Final
Thoughts
A child’s aggression can be scary –
not just for parents, teachers and peers, but for the child himself. It can be
frightening to feel such intense emotions or sensations and not know how to
handle it. It’s easy to feel vulnerable as a parent – embarrassed or ashamed
that your child is the one on the playground that no one wants to get near for
fear of his behavior. But imagine how your child is feeling. Try to stay
patient, even in the face of a volcanic eruption of emotion. It’s ultimately
your child’s responsibility to manage behavior appropriately, but there are
ways you can support him in that journey.
Source: EmpoweringParents
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