By ROBERT PAGLIARINI
If your job is getting in the way of
your life, now is the perfect time to get laid off. First, there's no stigma
attached to not working since so many are unemployed. The unemployment rate is
almost 10% and the underemployment rate -- adding in those who gave up looking
for a job and those who took part-time jobs even though they want full-time
work -- is close to 20%. You'll be part of a select, albeit growing, group.
Second, many states offer generous
unemployment packages and have extended benefits because of the weak economy.
And third, if you're anything like me, this recession has caused me to relax a
little too much. Gone are the days of worry and anxiety. A few bounced checks
and calls from creditors may be just what you need to add some spark to your
life.
I tend to leave work-related advice to
others, but since I see so many people toiling away their days working, I felt
it was my mission to give you a few solid tips on how to stop giving up your
day just because you need to pay rent and buy food. Carpe diem!
Here's how to become unemployed in
seven easy steps:
Be
dumb.
Even if you're really smart, you can still nail this step because it has
nothing to do with your intelligence and everything to do with your attitude.
Make sure you have a the-company's-going-down-and-I'll-probably-be-fired
mentality so you won't work as hard and care as much.
Don't
learn anything new.
You're a know-it-all already, right? So whatever you do, be sure not to take a
computer class or graphic design workshop. Do not earn your degree or get that
designation you've been putting off. And certainly do not become more valuable
to your current employer and more appealing to a new employer by using a few of
your other 8 hours to boost your skills.
Stick
to your job description. If your employer wants you to learn something
new, they should pay you more. If they can't afford it, stick to your job
description and don't spend any time learning how to do more than that. If
there are layoffs at your company, fewer people will need to be able to handle
more work. Ensure that you are a one-trick pony to almost guarantee you will
get laid off so your cubicle neighbor can take over several of your tasks on
day one.
Say
"no" to everything. Boss asks you to head-up a new project.
"No sir" is the answer. Boss wants you to pitch in on a new account.
"I'd rather not" is the answer. The less engrained you are in the
company and the less involved you are in various projects, the easier it will
be to get rid of you. Added bonus . . . when things turn in the economy, you
won't get those annoying job offers or promotions.
Become
invisible.
Don't write memos. Don't bring your boss creative cost-cutting ideas. Don't
give workshops. Whatever you do, hide as much as possible and never show your
face. This is especially true in a larger company. The fewer people who know
you and like you the better.
Be
negative.
Don't even think about being positive. The economy sucks and life is not fair.
You shouldn't have to do three people's jobs. Make sure you are vocal about all
of your problems. Bring your bad attitude to work, so you won't have a work to
go to.
Work
fewer hours.
Tough times are tough, so you deserve to work a little less. Don't even think
about using some of your other 8 hours to get in earlier or to stay a little
later. Find out if your boss (or even better, your boss' boss) is going to be
in on the weekend. If so, be sure to brag to them on Monday morning about how
you laid around the house all weekend.
There are millions of hardworking
folks who sacrificed long hours to their jobs who got laid off. If you follow
these seven simple steps, you too will be unemployed in no time!
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